Thursday, August 20, 2009

The cat is out of the bag...

So I have a confession. Besides starting sentences out with "so", which I picked up from Josh, because he does it ALL the time and for 5 years I have made fun of him and now I do it, but not as much....
Confession: In 2006 I graduated from Salt Lake Community College. I even walked at the ceremonies. Shortly after we found out that I actually did NOT graduate. Some minor, error. I sent out announcements and even got presents from Josh, Grandma and Mom. Well maybe Mom, I'm sure she promised me something, unsure if it was delivered (I finally got my mix master for a wedding gift, last year! How long have I been married Mom?) ;) I digress..
So, How embarrassing. I walked, took pictures, got presents all to find out a few months later, that I was missing a class. Well we were planning on moving to Maryland, I got pregnant, and I thought, "screw it." I am never going to work again anyway, my husband will always make more money than me, even if I have a PHD, even if I'm a prostitute, which I wouldn't need a degree for anyway. So I gave up on a degree, told no one, and kept my gifts:)
Then the news of baby number 2 came and hit me like a ton of bricks. I planned this baby, but I didn't plan for the emotional toll it would have on me. Judge me if you want, but I cannot appreciate this child. All my thoughts have turned to, what have I done. Mine and Aiden's perfect world is about to be destroyed. I will NEVER have a life again. My life is over! These are thoughts that get me everyday. I am a WONDERFUL mom to Aiden. He is my world and my best friend, but I struggle with wanting this new baby.
So, Since I realized my life is over in February, I decided, yes I do want my degree. I will never get another shot, cuz like I said, life is over with 2 kids. I have enrolled back in college. I have had hurdle after hurdle to jump through. Re-enrollment, placement tests that put me lower than the one class I need, appeals, full classes, and child care. Today it was all finalized. I start in less than a week. Aiden starts preschool in one week and we are not going to have any fun until December, well he'll probably have fun at pre-school, but no vacations and lots of studying. I guess it will prepare us for what life will be like when the baby comes :) Oh and did I mention, me and Aiden have to be at school by 8am!!! This is going to be huge. We'll have to wake up at 7! We sleep til about 9:30 now. Life is going to get crazy....
Hey, maybe I'll walk again at the graduation ceremonies, I can have a kid on each hip:)

4 comments:

Diane Owen said...

Congrats on going back to school. Good for you! Preschool will be good for Aiden too. Where did you find a preschool that takes 2 year-olds? And I know you don't think so, but you will still have a life after February. :)

mindy said...

Keep on truckin' Emily...you'll make it through and you'll be so proud of yourself!! Good luck and try (I know, ha ha!) to take it easy!

Lina Hardman said...

Wow, look at you! I wish you all the best and our kids should be friends since we are moving to Orem!

Likely said...

WOW! I was dropping in to see how things are going.... what news! I am happy for your pregnancy and I have to say that I had similar feelings before I had Oliver. I felt bad for Max, I felt like our little relationship was going to change and I just felt awful. I remember blogging about it. It got worse the closer I got to my date. I was kind of panicky actually. So, know that it is normal.

On the flip side of it, it is great to have two children. MAx is busy with his brother all of the time and it is the best thing I could have done for him. It is so fun to see them growing together.

I will be praying for you because I know how hard your first pregnancy was. You rest when you need to girl. Take it easy and be careful with too much stress with school. I know you can do it. It is great that you are.

He will love preschool...