I know depression is no laughing matter, but I can joke about it because I have it. I wanted to find a picture of that little ball thing that bounces unhappily around depression commercials, but I couldn't remember what medication it was a commercial for so I could find the ball. Anybody know what I'm talking about?
So I was blissfully happy with this baby, until about week 3. Maybe thats when my painkillers ran out :)
Then you could either find me sitting on the couch staring out the window or crying.
It has been a very rough couple of weeks. I did call the doctor and ask for a prescription. I have not picked it up yet. I am trying so hard to fight it on my own and not go through the pain of finding a good medication. Because there are so many medications out there and having been through it as an adolescent, I know that it can be a hard journey, trying out medications to find the perfect one for you. Also, I at this point know that the baby or myself are not in danger, but I also know many women with postpartum depression want to hurt themselves or their babies. Since I don't want to do either of those things, I don't want to risk it with changing the chemicals in my head.
I think the most awful part of depression is knowing you are depressed and not being able to do anything about it. That just makes you more depressed.
My sisters baby is smiling and I realized, Owen probably doesn't know how to smile because I never smile. It breaks my heart.
Anyway, hopefully I am on the mend. I am trying to get out of the house a little more. Less staring out the window. Can you picture it? It really is sad. Me sitting on the couch just staring while poor Aiden watches TV. Thankfully through this Aiden is able to go to school twice a week and get away from me.
So sorry if I have been distant, not responded to emails, etc. I'm just going through something.
Something I had before the baby depression was anxiety. Major anxiety. Add to that a new kid and depression, its a bad mix. The biggest thing I have noticed about my anxiety is the inability to make a decision. For fear it'll be the wrong one. I first realized I had this problem 5 years ago, when I went to Petsmart to buy a new water bottle for our Rat. I stood on the water bottle aisle for over an hour unable to pick one. That's when I first noticed the problem, who knows how long I had it. But it's horrible! I know it's not normal to wonder if you chose the right name for your son. Not the new one, but the old one. I still question whether Aiden's name was the right choice. Don't get me started with Owen. It's by the Grace of God his name has not been changed a few times.
Wow, what else? Oh, hearing a baby cry makes it worse, add to that a 2 year old crying and it's over for me. One Saturday they were both crying, so I started crying and Josh got on the phone and called my mom for reinforcements. She came and got #1. And things settled down enough to where I could function again.
Did I tell you that #2 has decided he wants to be a toddler. He will cry and get so hysterical so fast that he loses control, turns beet red and holds his breath. It has scared us so much that we took him to the Doctor. They were baffled. Breath holding spells are not something you see in a 4 week old. You usually don't see it until a child is about 15 months. Wow!
I think I could probably go on for days, but I am probably making you depressed too. Want to come over and stare out the window with me? :)
Oh and I'm numbering my children. It's easier. In order of birth.
